Oh, Audrey. This has me sobbing. Because it would be so easy for me to tell you that NO, you are in no way, shape, or form responsible (and in your heart, I hope to goddess that you know that to be true).
But I ask myself the same horrible questions almost every, single day. Is he not affectionate because I felt detached from him as an infant? Does he not relate to people because I didn't try hard enough to talk "to" him & not "at" him? When he's raging, does he hate the sound of my voice and try to hurt me because I didn't soothe him enough when he was a wee babe?
Some days, it's just so effing hard. But please, please, please know you're not alone in your guilty thoughts, no matter how untrue they may be.
I'll be honest, it was easier to pretend I had no guilt before Delilah came along. But even then I was aware of feeling like the odd-mom-out from time to time. Like when he had his frenulum snipped and he cried and cried and bled and the PED told me I could talk or sing to him and I just sat there frozen with him in my arms and tears rolling down my face because I didn't know what to say to my newborn that would assuage his pain or my guilt for having "done this to him" - even though the 'this' was necessary. I left his name out and titled the post 'Motherhood' because I know other moms have the same feelings about their kids.
I think it must be extra hard to have a typically developing child and one that has delays. I have two with delays and with similar outward issues that stem from very different internal issues. I think all parents have some level of guilt over something they have done or something they did not do. I think it is pretty normal to feel that way actually. What we feel guilty about is just dependent on our parenting situation.
Mostly I throw myself into their therapies so they can learn to manage the world better. I cannot undo what is...I can only make it better. So I drive to therapy twice a week. Everything I do with them all day, every day is done with therapy in mind. Sometimes I am tired. Most days I feel overwhelmed. But when I feel like I just can't take it anymore I remember that I do it all for them...and a bit for me as well.
And I also know...that at the end of every day the boys KNOW I love them. They feel I love them. They are happy and healthy and cared for. I give them everything that I have in me to give. And that is how I assuage some of my guilt...I just work harder to make it better.
I'm with you, Audrey. You are so amazingly talented and so intelligent and great, but nobody is a perfect mother. Of course you aren't to blame. You would tell me the same:
PPD was not your fault, nor was it something you could control. The fact that you cried demonstrates your love for your son. Your feelings of guilt are the feelings every mother has; hindsight is 20/20 and we're all evolving into better parents every day. Ev's "developmental delays" are just that: DELAYS. Not cancels, not nevers, not shut windows or closed doors. (And you know the research as well as I do; boys are more likely to have these issues than girls.)
I'm sure you didn't post this for reassurance. It's such a courageous thing to own. I just had to reply.
No, I didn't post it for reassurance. It was definitely more of an owning up to how I feel thing. Also I'm not sure what is going on with the comments, you are about the 5th person who has posted multiple comments as though it's not going through only it really went through. Blogger.
xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, Audrey. This has me sobbing. Because it would be so easy for me to tell you that NO, you are in no way, shape, or form responsible (and in your heart, I hope to goddess that you know that to be true).
ReplyDeleteBut I ask myself the same horrible questions almost every, single day. Is he not affectionate because I felt detached from him as an infant? Does he not relate to people because I didn't try hard enough to talk "to" him & not "at" him? When he's raging, does he hate the sound of my voice and try to hurt me because I didn't soothe him enough when he was a wee babe?
Some days, it's just so effing hard. But please, please, please know you're not alone in your guilty thoughts, no matter how untrue they may be.
Big, big, big, big, big, big hugs.
I'll be honest, it was easier to pretend I had no guilt before Delilah came along. But even then I was aware of feeling like the odd-mom-out from time to time. Like when he had his frenulum snipped and he cried and cried and bled and the PED told me I could talk or sing to him and I just sat there frozen with him in my arms and tears rolling down my face because I didn't know what to say to my newborn that would assuage his pain or my guilt for having "done this to him" - even though the 'this' was necessary. I left his name out and titled the post 'Motherhood' because I know other moms have the same feelings about their kids.
ReplyDeleteAudrey,
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault.
I think it must be extra hard to have a typically developing child and one that has delays. I have two with delays and with similar outward issues that stem from very different internal issues. I think all parents have some level of guilt over something they have done or something they did not do. I think it is pretty normal to feel that way actually. What we feel guilty about is just dependent on our parenting situation.
ReplyDeleteMostly I throw myself into their therapies so they can learn to manage the world better. I cannot undo what is...I can only make it better. So I drive to therapy twice a week. Everything I do with them all day, every day is done with therapy in mind. Sometimes I am tired. Most days I feel overwhelmed. But when I feel like I just can't take it anymore I remember that I do it all for them...and a bit for me as well.
And I also know...that at the end of every day the boys KNOW I love them. They feel I love them. They are happy and healthy and cared for. I give them everything that I have in me to give. And that is how I assuage some of my guilt...I just work harder to make it better.
Hugs to you!
I'm with you, Audrey. You are so amazingly talented and so intelligent and great, but nobody is a perfect mother. Of course you aren't to blame. You would tell me the same:
ReplyDeletePPD was not your fault, nor was it something you could control.
The fact that you cried demonstrates your love for your son.
Your feelings of guilt are the feelings every mother has; hindsight is 20/20 and we're all evolving into better parents every day.
Ev's "developmental delays" are just that: DELAYS. Not cancels, not nevers, not shut windows or closed doors. (And you know the research as well as I do; boys are more likely to have these issues than girls.)
I'm sure you didn't post this for reassurance. It's such a courageous thing to own. I just had to reply.
No, I didn't post it for reassurance. It was definitely more of an owning up to how I feel thing. Also I'm not sure what is going on with the comments, you are about the 5th person who has posted multiple comments as though it's not going through only it really went through. Blogger.
ReplyDelete