Not my proudest moment.

Today I did something I haven't done for some time, maybe not since I was pregnant with Ev. I had an emotional outburst that led to me crying then my friend crying. I think we left it feeling better but I still feel like a complete tool. Mostly I just feel exhausted.

The outburst occurred because I tend to not speak up when I perhaps should and so this thing was inside me getting grouchier and grouchier each time something bothered me but I didn't realize. I mean, I knew I was bothered, but I didn't realize it was more than a passing issue. Usually if something is bothering me I forget about it shortly afterward.

Since having kids my memory is kind of kaput, and I think that in situations like this that is actually kind of helpful. Largely. I mean, who wants to gripe over something that is nothing if it is forgotten and no longer an issue an hour later? But obviously this thing was being rubbed the wrong way inside me and, like a cat, kept getting pricklier and fluffier until it found a weakness in my usual resolve to let things pass unless they really matter. And WHAM. Outburst.

What was worse was that I felt it building up instead of down as I was speaking. Like I was defensive about feeling this way. So I kept talking at her instead of to her, which is totally unhelpful. Interrupted her and even started pointing fingers where they should not have been pointed, figuratively speaking. I got to the very place I hate to be, and I did it all on my own.

It was in the buildup, as I was realizing that I was getting myself worked up further over something so small, that I started crying. I was overwhelmed with my inner struggle to explain this thing that bothered me and also to stop myself because I didn't want to hurt my friend. I felt a mixture of injustice and shame for the outburst, even while it continued.

At least I realized in the moment that my current crush of hormones inside me (not pregnant) is what weakened the dam usually keeping these things from happening. And I suppose I need more sleep, considering it's been two hours and I'm still yawning and drained.

I still feel like a total heel for making my friend cry. I dislike making my friends feel badly about a situation, themselves or me. I try very hard to avoid situations that might lead to such things happening. I hold my friends dear and want them to know that. Which, I suppose, is why I feel so very bad when something like this happens. Even if my original feeling of being bothered by something is genuine and 'okay', it's not okay to let it build up to an outburst.

She is totally right and I should just tell her when something is bothering me. I guess I just don't want to be that person who says "x bothers me" a lot in order to avoid outbursts, thus becoming someone no one wants to hang out with. But there has to be a balance in there somewhere. My job is to find it.

After all, no one wants to hang out with a volcano either. Except maybe vulcanologists.